Spiritual narcissism is quite common today. We see it rise in religious and spiritual communities. I grew up in the evangelical church, and there it was, so alive. Ted Haggard, the pastor who was preaching against homosexual rights for marriage, was in the shadows, sleeping with gay prostitutes and swallowing meth. Yet, his gregariousness and charisma had people flocking to him! Misuse of power has been my experience in certain New-Age spaces as well, both in the psychedelic and mytho-poetic world.
This isn’t just the narcissist’s fault. It’s on us, everyday people, to not give our power away. We need to heal from this tendency of pedestaling people, of pushing our innate intuition, soul knowing, and depth down. We need to give up fawning, people-pleasing, and the tendency to ask for another person to save us or tell us if we are okay or not.
The roots of this tendency arise from childhood. Recovering from childhood harm is quite a journey. Many of us grew up in homes with parents who did not treat us as equals, but as subservient, less-than. For some of us, we grow up, and our survival strategy from this domination and pain is to always follow. Follow others. Others of us, afraid of the humiliation of being subservient, go on to lead power-over-others’ lives (narcissism). This way of relating is not good for anyone involved. Not the narcissist. Not the codependent. Not the follower or the leader.
In this relational arrangement, no one is merely human.
What are the common signs/patterns of a narcissistically oriented person?
They over-give money, time, and energy as a way for you to feel loved or special, so that they have control over you.
They subtly or overtly demean, dismiss, patronize, and humiliate people.
They are defensive when someone shares a reflection of harm.
They present themselves as more spiritually superior to everyone else.
Their hearts are closed, and they struggle to have empathy and compassion.
They manipulate spiritual teachings. For instance, “You should just forgive,” rather than addressing harm. Or they use guilt tactics over you when you set boundaries.
They dismiss other belief systems and claim to know the one true way.
They position themselves as the one who “knows” and others “don’t know.” This creates a power dynamic where they are the authority, or the guide.
The truest healers out there are the ones who position themselves with you with a posture of, “I don’t know.” They are the ones who welcome mystery, the wisdom of the heart, empathy, relational attunement, and warmth. They are the ones who respect and care for themselves first, so that they can care for others from a non-egoic place. They have boundaries to care for their own unique souls. They make sure their own needs, wants, and desires are being met in life. They love themselves.
What are signs of being codependent or in follow-mode with narcissists:
You stay silent in the face of relational harm. For instance, if you are codependent with a spiritual leader, you may see them harming other people, and yet you pretend you don’t, or you don’t say anything for fear of losing the affection of the leader.
People-pleasing, fawning, pretending.
Idealization and pedestalizing of the leader.
Looking for the spiritual leader's answer for everything, rather than finding your own truth, way.
Chronic self-doubt & self-esteem.
Unfortunately, most communities out there have some kind of narcissistic/codependent dynamic occurring. We are unwinding thousands of years of patriarchal authoritarian conditioning. We are now in the age of dismantling this, so that we can all become sovereign and be with each other as equals. It’s quite a task, a battle with all of our human shadow that we have been repressing. In the moment, as humanity begins to evolve its consciousness, and all that was hidden comes bubbling up to the surface to be faced, it is quite messy.
Whether you are on the codependent or narcissistic side, you struggle with a loss of self. Neither a narcissistic nor a codependent relational style has a solid sense of I amness. If you are in a spiritual community, or an immature dynamic like this in work, intimate partnership, or otherwise, the path forward to break free is to begin to form a solid sense of self. This looks like:
Begin to follow your own intuition, desires, and wants.
Trust that you, too, have spiritual wisdom.
Set boundaries.
Be clear with your yes and your no.
Speak up if you don’t like something that is happening in the field.
Share your voice, your thoughts, and your own unique perspectives.
Potentially leave the community, the relationship, the job.
You can repeat the mantra, “I am my own authority.”
Find what brings you alive! Follow your own heart!
Connect back with the earth herself, with no intermediary needed.